There are days when waitressing is fun and there are days when it’s a right fucking pain in the arse!

It usually boils down to one thing; customers.

Oh the customers.  Ask anybody who works in the hospitality industry what the actual levels of human stupidity are and they’ll  vouch for me when I say that we’re doomed as a species.  Fucking doomed!  How we’ve lasted this long is a mystery.

In our restaurant there is a sign right as you enter the main section saying “Please wait to be seated.”  So guess what; people walk around this and seat themselves at a table and call me over in annoyance when a while later they’re still waiting for a menu.

Of course you are, you silly little human.  I’ll get you a menu but only on the condition I can smack you across the head with it.  Oh dear God.

But that’s nothing.  You also have the customers who ask you ‘what’s on today?’

“Well, it’s all inside the menu you have here – I’ll be right back to you with the specials board.”

To which they respond by tossing aside the menu I’ve just handed them and asking impatiently;

“So what’s on today’s menu then?”

To which I stare at them dead-pan, wondering for an instant if this is a joke, only to realize quickly, it’s not and I am dealing with an imbecile.  An IMBECILE!

You need the patience of a saint for this job.  Or else a lot of weed.

Then you have the people showing up in the middle of a busy lunch looking for a table for seven.

“Have you a reservation?”

Blank faces.  “No.”

Right, because at peak restaurant-time we’ve usually plenty of tables for 7 or 15 or 20 just ready and waiting on the off-chance some crazy dumbos like you guys will show up to be served.  That’s how a restaurant makes money after all – lots of empty tables.

(*face-palm)

There’s stupidity and then there’s stupidity combined with laziness.  Allow me to elaborate.

Customer is reading the menu as I take the order.  They point at one particular dish and ask what it comes with.   Wondering if they’re not sure about one or two ingredients I explain it to them.  The nod and “ahuh” back before pointing at another, simpler dish and asking the exact same question.

“The curry, what does that come with?”

I take a moment to control my response because I don’t want to be fired just yet.

“Well, um, it’s all written right there…” I say, pointing at the lines right under her finger. Maybe she’s illiterate.  Stupid, lazy and uneducated.  Dear God, help me.

No really, help me because now lunch is over and the place has quietened down, most tables are vacated and cleaned but there is one that’s yet to be cleared…   Just one.

And yet again two blind-buffoons have wandered in ignoring the “Please wait to be seated sign” and deciding to sit themselves down at the ONE DIRTY TABLE in the entire restaurant.

*cue hair-pulling fist-clenching rage.

Followed by a wave and impatient call.

“Sorry, can you wipe the table for us?”

I smile sweetly and serenely back, simultaneously scoping out all potential murder weapons in the nearby vicinity..

“Oh ladies, you chose to sit at a dirty table?” I titter innocently along with them, clearing away some of the cups, shooting lethally-poisoned arrows out of my eyes.  “Just bear with me and we’ll get it ready for you.”

I think I’ve perfected the art of smiling broadly and speaking clearly through tight, clenched teeth.

Ah yes, waitressing.  The joys of the hospitality industry.   So much more to add but this rant is long enough.  So peace out folks and for those of you non-hospitality workers:

Don’t be rude – WAIT TO BE SEATED

Don’t be lazy – READ THE FUCKING MENU

Don’t be stupid – NEVER EVER EVER SIT A DIRTY TABLE IF THERE ARE CLEAN ONES ELSEWHERE

(EVER)

Liz