“Inhale, raise the arms up…”

I don’t want to be here – I don’t want to do any of this – I hate this bloody routine!!!

“Exhale, fold forward…”

Man, I just want to go for my breakfast or relax over a cup of coffee, actually pretty much anything if I could just not have to do yoga today!!!

“Inhale, look up, straight spine…”

Arrrggghh!!! It’s so much effort, it’s so hard, it’s so bloody annoying – I DON’T WANT TO DO ANY STUPID YOGA!!!!

“Exhale, step the feet back, lower down….

*Sigh*

This was the internal conversation running through my head today as I dutifully got on my mat and began my yoga practice. In case you missed it, I really didn’t want to do it! For the first time in ages, that part of me I like to call Miss Lazy Lolly threw a tantrum, like a kid being made to clean their room or do their homework when they’re in the middle of watching their favourite cartoon. No no no no NO!!! Pleeeeease, can I do it later? (or not at all?!)

I began my regular, six-mornings-a-week routine last May and it was a real challenge to my willpower (as you can read in my previous blog all about it!). Just to get on the mat, never mind complete the whole standing sequence of the Ashtanga Primary series (as I currently do) was hard enough. I had to really compromise with Miss Lolly just to be able to drag her unwillingly onto the mat each day. Bit by bit, the power and energy of a daily habit started to ease this struggle. Roll on nearly five months later and she barely bats an eyelid as I put on my yoga clothes and get out my mat each morning.

Until today that is. I woke up at 9:30 am, over two hours later than planned and a little annoyed and disheartened as a result. Lately I’ve been starting my ‘writing day’ around noon which feels to me like a missed opportunity each time. I know I could get a lot more work done earlier in the day especially since, as I discovered recently, I don’t write too well late in the evening.

So when I went to bed last night I had great, somewhat unrealistic plans to get up extra early and get my day going asap!! Only when the alarm went off this morning I hit snooze several times and continued sleeping until suddenly I realized I had turned off the alarm completely and it was now 9:30 am. Given my yoga routine, including ten minutes in Savasana (“corpse” pose where you lie down at the end to rest) is nearly an hour and then of course I’d have to shower and dress I felt as though my morning had already disappeared on me before I’d even got out of bed. In this weighty, negative frame of mind I slowly changed my clothes and reluctantly cleared a space in the room for my mat…

I sooo did not want to do my yoga. I felt lethargic and dispirited and the last thing I wanted was to put myself through the rigorous Ashtanga routine, all that effort and hard work…. I could feel my lazy Lolly wheedling and moaning and desperately resisting the oncoming practice.

With a weary sigh I switched the fan down to a low speed, closed the door and stepped up to the top of my mat, putting my hands together in prayer position, ready to chant the traditional mantra at the start of each practice.

“Ooooommmmmmm…”

I could feel the weight of my resistance to the yoga practice like a big, heavy, rock on my head. I breathed through my first round of Surya Namaskar A with an internal dialogue of “it’s not fair! I don’t WANT to do this!” running alongside each movement. It was really, really hard!

But… I still did it. Like a patient grown-up with their sulking, willful child, I got Miss Lolly onto the mat with me and we did the yoga together. I allowed her to not want to be there; I gave her full permission to not want to be there. But I didn’t let her away with not actually doing it. The benefits of the practice and fascinating changes and developments in myself as a result, have become too precious to let them slip away so easily. I know too well how much better I’ll feel after my practice, both physically – by connecting to the powerful breathing, concentrated focus and the stretching and movement of the asanas – and also mentally – just from the satisfaction of knowing I’ve done my yoga yet again. Above all, yoga has truly become my Sadhana (the Sanskrit word for spiritual practice), a cherished anchor in the turbulent seas of my emotional life and I must safeguard it at all costs.

And so despite how much I did NOT want to practice today, I still got on my mat and did it. It was a little rough around the edges, sure. It didn’t have the usual flow and grace nor the deep focus and attention, most especially in the beginning sun salutations. But still – I did them. I got on my mat and let the very fact that I was there be enough.

It doesn’t matter how you do it.  It only matters that you try!

And you know what happened?! By the time I got ten minutes through my practice, it was already getting easier.  By the time I hopped up into headstand, I couldn’t understand what all the fuss had been about! And by the time I lay down in Savasana, I felt deeply happy and satisfied and relaxed. I sat up ten minutes later, chanted Om three times and bowed my head as I always do. And on this day, while giving thanks for the many blessings in my life, I realized for a moment that I too deserved a little thank you for being strong enough and wise enough to push gently onward; for not allowing myself to give in to the temptation to avoid my practice; for getting on my mat and just trying.

Keeping up your daily yoga practice; it’s not always easy, it’s not always fun, but it’s always, always worth the effort. And it really doesn’t matter how you do it… it only matters that you try!

Om shanti shanti shanti!  Love,

Ellie