Well today was a strange day.

I think the strange vibe actually started in the middle of the night when I sat up in bed and started telling Alex in utter panic that we needed to get the gun ready for the photo.

It was one of those “oh shit!” moments when you suddenly realize you’ve royally fucked up and you’ve got to fix it NOW.

It must have taken at least 30 seconds for Alex to convince my brain that I had been dreaming and that there was no gun or photo or in fact anything at all to worry about.

It was a powerful experience of confusing waking-life with dream-life because even as I sat there, fully awake, with Alex also awake (and confused), I couldn’t fully detach from the dream and realize that it had nothing to do with reality.

Reality said it was the middle of the night and that I should really go back to sleep and probably stop scaring my slumbering husband while I was at it.

Perhaps it has no relationship to the weird day I had at work, perhaps it’s part of the reason why it was so strange.  Either way, I had very similar experiences at work where I kept making small mistakes and kept getting an utter panic in my chest each time.

I was sure I was going to be sent to the guillotine for the last one, convinced my manager would crucify me (she didn’t) convinced I’d made a massive error (it was only a small mistake as it turns out) and feeling adrenaline pumping through my veins as though the Spanish Inquisition had me as their next target.

There were several moments when I was a hair’s breadth away from just crumpling up and crying but I held it in, letting it out while driving home instead.

Throughout it all, the main thing that stayed with me was this feeling of impending doom, of all-consuming anxiety for the wrath I would surely receive if I got this person’s order wrong, or if I’d made an error with that customer’s bill…

Pure terror.

And to help it along, a foggy fluffy brain that kept mixing things up and confusing me and forgetting little things.

Fun times people, fun times.  On a rather more positive note, I haven’t been stoned to death or tortured and murdered for my sins, instead I am alive and well, with an empty weekend ahead of me to work on my writing and all the business shtuff (and the ubiquitous morning coffees in town).  And that makes me very happy.

Who knows where today’s weird anxiety came from, who knows when it will next rear it’s terrifying head, but for now I’m ok, life’s ok and it’s time for bed

So on that note….

Ciao darlings!

Lizzie xxxx