Today I had a battle with my inner critic.  It didn’t go well.

I woke up tired from a busy weekend; a late night on Saturday meeting up with a creative business group in Dublin, a long day wandering around the city yesterday (and some fun meeting an old friend!) and then the bus journey home and another late night, including eating my “dinner” (buttered toast) at 11 pm and suddenly remembering to write this afterwards.

So I felt off-form at work today.  And as often happens when I’m tired and out of sorts, I found myself getting into a funk about how I’m never going to succeed at anything and nothing I do is ever going to be enough.

Because I don’t exercize enough, I don’t write enough, I don’t work hard enough, I’m not confident enough, I don’t try enough new things, I don’t save enough money, I don’t earn enough money, I’m too boring, I’m too lazy, everyone else is doing better than I am, I’m too self-conscious, I’m too socially awkward, I’m too shy, I’m too weak and pathetic…

The list went on and on…

I finished work and then got muddled trying to find some nice flowers for my Mum (I missed Mother’s Day while up in Dublin) and that was the final straw; I barely managed to buy them and run to the car before the flood-gates opened and I proceeded to cry like a baby.

I cried all the way home in the car but sniffed it back before going into the house because I always feel stupid arrivin home all upset over “nothing”, you know, like nobody died!  (Besides the excited little girl inside me who dares to dream…. I’m being dramatic, don’t worry, she’s not dead, just a bit bruised.)

Alex was in bed, a bit unwell and upon seeing my blotchy, puffy face, he cottoned on quick that “all was not well” and demanded I cuddle up to him.  In between gulps of air and snotty snobs, I explained how upsetting it was to realize, yet again, what a massive failure I am.

To which of course, Alex quickly began presenting solid evidence as to my successes in life.  The words themselves meant little, because when we believe something so deeply, almost within our very bones, then we cannot believe any supposed facts that contradict these beliefs.  But his unwavering love, kindness and support gave me a profound sense of comfort, easing my shattered confidence and soothing my sore heart.

And at some point, as I lay there, eventually I felt some calm and peace returning.

Another battle done and another win for the critic.  But one day I will find a way to stop him in his tracks and not let him squish me and my dreams into the ground.  There will by many more tears and upset between now and then, but eventually I will get there.

The best way to start, is to go to bed early and get a good night’s sleep, which is what I’m going to do right now.

Ciao darlings!

Lizzie xxxx