Yup – I cheated.  On the sweet love of my life…

Sure, we’ve been going through a rough patch lately – I’ve not been as committed or attentive as I used to be. There are days I’ve woken up and been like, Oh God, I’m so not into you right now and then felt stricken because I made a promise to stay the course, to remain true and committed and focused.

But I’ve failed you.

Because it happened today.  I strayed away too far and I did the dirt.  I feel guilty and as though I’ve let myself down by not being strong enough…

Oh Ashtanga – I’m so sorry!

You were my rock and my anchor for so long.  I thought a few weeks break would heal my body and bring me back to you stronger and healthier but instead, I’ve almost totally lost you.

It was still ok up til today, I returned to my mat a few times a week and worked my way through the Primary Series as far as I could.  But that all changed today.  Today I did the absolute Ashtanga-nitty-no-no – I fooled around!

There was no following of the sequence in the original order with a strong deep breath.  No, I took breaks and pauses: I curled up in child’s pose whenever I felt like it;  I even threw in random stuff that’s not in the Primary Series: I did Navasana followed by free-style hamstring stretches; I tried out pigeon pose and then did some ab work.

In a nutshell: I did what a lot of other people regularly do in their daily yoga practice and I now understand why so many don’t do my style of yoga practice – because Ashtanga yoga on your own in the traditional method is ridiculously hard!

But it’s also ridiculously good for you.  I played around on my mat today because I didn’t have the mental focus to get through my usual routine but I still wanted to move my body and stretch it and strengthen it and it was fun and interesting to explore new poses.

But it didn’t have the same energy that my normal practices have.  It felt lighter, more superficial because it didn’t require the same willpower or strength of mind that my Ashtanga practice usually demands.

However, it also felt like a breath of fresh air and sometimes, maybe that’s what we need, to take life easy and not push ourselves so damn freakin’ hard.  Sometimes only!  Other times, I definitely need a good “kick up the arse” to put in the work and the effort needed to create real change in both myself and my life.

So today I cheated on Ashtanga and I know there are steadfast dedicated Ashtangis out there who would disapprovingly shake their heads at the news – I was even doing it to myself.

But – at least I tried today.  At least I did the opening surya namaskars as usual.  At least I did the finishing postures just like always, including three rounds of slow, deep nadi shodana (the alternate nostril breathing).  At least I got my body moving and kept up some of the physical benefits of stretching and strengthening my muscles.

At least I got on my mat and tried!  And it seems that, at the moment, for reasons I don’t understand, that’s my yoga practice.

I will keep trying.  I will keep the goal of a regular morning Mysore-style Ashtanga practice in my sights and however far I get pulled from it, I will keep working to find my way back to it.  Meantime I’m going to enjoy the lightness and ease of not having to work so damn hard.  It might not give me the same results afterwards, but it’s a real nice break for a change!