I have a confession to make!  I feel like I may have been really smug in my last two blogs about my daily yoga practice.  The morning routine lately has been really hard, a battle with myself to keep my practice going when I least feel like it and by managing to keep it going, I think a sense of pride and “look at what a good yogi I am” has been cropping up, smiling smugly and looking down her nose at others who don’t practice so diligently and consistently.  Because even though these other people might be less selfish, more generous, kinder, happier people, the fact that I’m doing yoga all the time obviously makes me a better person… uh oh.

Not to worry!  That yoga-snob didn’t just get her fall, she got thrown flat on her yoga-toned bum!  Because yesterday, Miss Gotta-do-my-yoga-or-else couldn’t do her yoga after all…  Miss I’m-really-sad-and-I-need-a-rest threw a fit and put a halt to things for a while!  After about ten minutes of my practice, barely into the second round of Surya Namaskar B, the tears came pouring out.

“Will you bloody listen to me????” 

Well when you can’t breathe properly for big, shuddering, heaving sobs, you kind of have to stop and listen.  So I did.  I curled up into a ball – Child’s pose – and left a wet patch of tears and snot on my mat when my body had finally calmed down.  Feeling tired and limp, I lay on my back with my legs up against the wall, a restful, restorative pose, and once I felt ready, I ended my practice with headstand and the three finishing poses that mostly involve simply sitting cross-legged and breathing deeply.

Yoga is a mirror.  But sometimes – quite often in my case! – we see only what we want to see.  At times we may see all the tiny faults and blemishes that are practically invisible to others.  And other times we see a grandiose idea of who we are, an image that’s not quite in alignment with reality.  We see ourselves as doing the right thing because of an idea in our head and miss the fact that there’s a part of us that is just really sad and down and would really like to just lie in a restful pose and maybe cry for a while.

Discipline is a necessary and valuable tool in life; without it, we are at the whims of our petulant, childlike minds.  We only want to do what feels good RIGHT NOW and this hinders and obstructs our growth as complex human beings.  Without discipline we don’t put in the effort to learn and to work hard.  Without discipline I would never have gotten the benefit of a regular morning yoga practice and the inner/outer strength it has brought to my life.

However, there is an extreme to discipline that negates any and all softness or gentleness towards ourselves if we’re not careful.  This is where I feel a little embarrassed as I recall a previous blog in which I’m sure I spoke eloquently on how one must manage the delicate balance between healthy discipline and knowing when to relax and just enjoy the moment.  It would seem I don’t quite walk my talk yet!

But I’m learning and any experience of humility is always a good experience.  Being humble keeps us open to learning and growing and developing.  I know for a fact that in my twenties I was an arrogant twat who thought she had all the answers!  It was always my way or the highway.  I used to laugh at my older brother who was always convinced he knew everything and yet I wasn’t far off this myself….

Thankfully I mellowed out as I reached my thirties.  There’s still a way to go (evidently!) but I’m hopeful because I’m willing to use every opportunity that comes my way to question and rethink myself.  And once again, yoga assisted me in my journey towards getting to know myself.

The ideal parent is firm but gentle.  I’m learning to parent myself in a way that’s kind and loving but also compassionately firm, like not allowing myself to skip my healthy dinner and have ice-cream instead!  And I mean that both metaphorically and literally!  I must be strict enough to make sure I eat my greens and do my work, but soft enough to know when it’s time to take a break and have some rest or play a little.  Hopefully, with enough humility, sincerity, hard work (and a little ice-cream along the way!) I’ll find the right balance.  Meantime, I’ll still keep getting on my mat, even if some days that means curling myself up in a sad, sniffling, blubbery mess rather than the graceful, powerful, enlightened yogi I envisage myself to be!