A major landmark that eluded me for these past three months has finally been reached in my morning yoga practice; one week ago I made it all the way through the standing poses of the Ashtanga primary series for the very first time.  Yup, right up to the final Warrior 2 pose with a red, sweaty face and a big, idiotic grin stretching from ear to ear as my legs trembled and my slightly strained nervous system threatened to blast me out of the deep and steady Ujayii breath that had been the powerful current flowing through the previous asanas.

Adding on those last three poses, Utkatasana (chair pose) and the two Warriors, Virabhadrasana One and Two was unexpectedly intense (given that I have done many classes over the years where I have completed over an hour of the series…)  The first day I went into Utkatasana, around 25 minutes into my practice, my legs started shaking like jelly, my body felt jittery and wobbly and I felt about as strong and centered in the pose as if I were trying to balance on my tip-toes…

What gives?!  For someone who has gone so much further before in the series, why is it so challenging on me these days in my solo practice?  Why has it been so difficult and taken three full months to reach the point of making it through the full standing sequence, albeit with about as much strength and power as a shaking, autumn leaf?!

Perhaps it’s got something to do with the fact that my journey with Ashtanga these past few months has been entirely on my own.  I have not been to a lesson or even practiced in any group setting since starting up my regular morning practice.  In the beginning just to get past Trikonasana (triangle pose) was a challenge.  Back then the thought of getting through all the standing poses seemed as remote as the idea of climbing Mt. Everest; technically it could happen one day, but just thinking about it made me feel tired already.

And yet, after three months of steady, persistent, continuous practice at my own pace – which wasn’t nearly as fast as I would have liked but this was one of the things I had to let go of in order to actually show up on the mat each day – after all this daily “plodding along” through the same poses, day in, day out, whether I was full of energy or barely scraping through, I have reached the point, the monumental, fantastical point, of completing the standing poses.  And I have repeated it in each practice since.

Have I perfected all the previous poses?  Fuck no!  I still can’t grab my toes in Trikonasana without compromising the intense side-stretch, my head is about a foot off the ground in all the Prasarita Paddottanasanas (though it used to be closer to two feet before) and I don’t even fold forward yet in Ardha Badha Padmottanasana because I get enough hip-stretch standing tall and I don’t really want knee-replacement therapy before I’m forty.

But what I do have in all these poses is a feeling of strength and stability while holding them and an ability to maintain a pretty deep, steady breath throughout.  Ok, if I’m totally honest, I speed up the count in Uttitha Hasta Padangusthasana just a little but in my defense so did Pattabhi Jois when he was teaching Ashtanga legends like Richard Freeman, Tim Miller and Eddie Stern!.  And while on the subject of being totally honest, I often take extra breaths between Utthita Trikonasana and Parivritta Trikonasana and a few of the other more complicated vinyasas and it usually takes about three full in/out breaths to ease my rather tight shoulders up into namaste position in preparation for Parsvottanasana….

But what’s the rush?  Am I slacking off?  In true, dogmatic, traditional Ashtanga minds perhaps a little.  I know this particular mindset all too well though.  This push-push-push task-master who has a high standard to meet and who FAILS utterly anytime he doesn’t quite make it.  In Ashtanga if this person is allowed too much free reign, it’s only a matter of time before something in the body will most definitely snap.

On the other end of the spectrum however is the scatty, lazy, chilled-out girl who will lie around all day and possibly never accomplish any of her dreams.  Neither of these people is ideal and I’m torn between which one was right in deciding that I should have taken an extra day off yoga last week because I felt unusually tired, a result of a hectic-work schedule involving 6-day-weeks and long, busy hours and also the extra physical challenges in my new yoga routine…

It’s a tricky thing to manage, balancing delicately between respectfully following the strong, somewhat masculine focus and discipline of this powerful spiritual practice and then adjusting and tailoring it slightly to work for our own individual and unique bodies and minds.

If we follow it blindly we become dogmatic and rigid and set ourselves up for potential physical injuries and an unyielding, dismissive attitude that “this is the only way” thus missing out on a world of different perspectives and ways of learning.

But too malleable and questioning and we’ll end up dabbling in a bit of this and that, always a little uncertain and doubtful and never really following through on anything; we’ll miss out on the amazing tools of discipline and determination, of focus and persistence, which when used wisely can guide us steadily into the depths of ourselves.

Just like in the yoga asanas, we have to be strong yet flexible.  We must be warriors of our own minds, strong and powerful yet lovingly compassionate… the world needs this kind of yoga warrior!

Love,

Ellie